This post is #2 of The Archive Dive series: A way for me to give past photos new life, take some time to reflect and not forget where I’ve been. (Here is #1.)
It’s been a while. Happy AAPI month in the United States. I just got back to Brooklyn a few days ago from 2 weeks on the west coast (mostly LA, with a brief stint in Las Vegas). All of a sudden, it’s late spring, and my treelined block is green again. Since the solar eclipse, I’ve been feeling like I’m in a portal where my past, present and future all meet. I keep seeing patterns and 1111 everywhere. It’s Taurus season, and there are countless revolutions occurring at the same time.
Inspired by various transformations and (re)discoveries in my personal life, I’ve been reflecting on where I’ve been and who I’ve been over the last fifteen years. I went to school for photography, had a full-time job for 10 months as an e-commerce digitech, then I moved to New York City, became a freelancer, my dad died (this year is the 10th anniversary of his passing), and I spent a lot of my time and money traveling by myself. I took pictures, lived a bit recklessly, befriended strangers, danced the night away, found lovers, walked a lot, got lost often and figured it out along the way. I didn’t take many notes about the photographs I took, so I’ve forgotten the specifics of most of them.
But just like when a person dies, I’m left with how they made me feel.
Taken from an article titled Why Do We Remember What We Remember, Brian Resnick states,
“Memory is a source of scientific mysteries, but also personal ones. Every day, we see and experience things we will forget. What remains, in a way, becomes part of our consciousness. It helps us tell the stories of our lives.
I used to think on this experience of forgetting with a lot of sadness. The research on memorability doesn’t perfectly speak to this experience, but it’s comforting to know that some of this forgetting is not my fault, that some things are just bound not to stick. Some of it has nothing to do with me personally, and is a fundamental part of being alive.”
Here is a random selection of 11 memories (and a bonus self-portrait) captured between 2014 and 2016, in Bali, Berlin, London, Barcelona, Bangkok, Pattaya, Chiang Mai, and Brighton Beach. Many of these images resemble portals to me. I’ve also included some random journal excerpts. More than a linear narrative, this is meant to be an illustration of memory.
2/25/16
Note to Self: YOUR TIMING IS PERFECT
There is no need to worry about time, what’s next or what’s tomorrow. Take your time and live in the moment. Everything happens when it’s supposed to. All is in rhythm with each other.
Things to Remember (in Berlin):
ice cream
nice people
drugs in bathroom stalls
candle lit bubble bath
wine, spliffs + nature shows
“like making love to a spanish waiter”
no mirrors in Berghain
soft skin
somewhere anywhere anytime every place smoke pure conscious here there ubiquitous voluptuous sexual ingest marijuana next time life lucky charms - 2014
6/21/16
Sitting naked smoking a cigarette on my balcony in Barcelona. I will miss the light, the rainbows between my eyelashes. My skin is brown, my legs are hairy, my nails are dirty, I am happy.
2/26/14
Trying to Freestyle
People often mistake confidence for conceit. That’s where you see perspectives meet. When you look at another you’re really staring at yourself. So, what do you see? Do you need help? I’ve learned it’s about who you know. It all depends on the seeds that you sow. So how are you living? Are you contributing? Are you giving? As they say, you get what you give. The question is if you want to die or to live? I choose to live forever. Ask me when I want to die, I say never. If you are living your art and giving your whole heart.. Eternal existence.
1/18/16
ALL MY EXES ARE IN LOVE
& and i’m eating cake in bed with a puppy.
Winning!
Some things I was grateful for in 2015:
new york - the gorgeous and the ugly
the future that holds the unknown
the fluidity of the mind
language of all kinds, forms of communication
the idea of “forever”
being filipina
every moment that serves as a chance to grow
velour and velvet
the chill in my bones when the wind blows
pain
“if not you, who?”
“it’s not what you say, its what you do”
feeling the change of the seasons
strangers with contagious passion and enthusiasm
all artists who came before me
the way the earth moves
dogs
4/17/16
Lianne La Havas’ “Blood Solo EP” reminds me of walking around Amsterdam, smiling to myself. “Electricity lingers in our fingers… Wasn’t it kind of wonderful?”
Here’s a playlist including the song mentioned above. Feeling soft these days:
“I’m gonna live each day as if it were my last. Fantastically, courageously, with grace.” - Miranda July, Me and You and Everyone We Know, 2005
Do you ever look at old photos of yourself and think, ‘I miss her’? This was me on Christmas Eve, 2016 in Bangkok.
Have a great week.
loved reading the journal excerpts in between, and also obv enjoyed the photos!!